Fuck Armageddon...This Is Hell

Are you up for an experiment? All you need is a watch, a computer with a working keyboard, and any kind of word processing program.

I'm going to do it with you. Here's how it works. Open Word or Notepad or whatever. And for 10 seconds, type "lol" as many times as you can. Ready?

Go.

lollollollollollollollollollollol

Okay, nice. Now hit enter, get on a new line. 10 seconds again. This time type "ha" as many times as you can. Go!

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahaha

It worked! "lol" is harder to type than "ha." Because it's three letters instead of two. And also because all three letters are typed with the stupidest finger you have. You know, the one you can't really move independent of the rest of your fingers even though you're an adult? Your ring finger. So why? Why "lol"? How did this become a thing?

I'm not just some insane efficiency weirdo either. I mean, you really aren't ever laughing out loud when you type it. God forbid you say it. (Oh man, if you say it, I hate you so much.) Maybe once in a while you laugh out loud. But you're usually not laughing out loud. You might kind of laugh to yourself, or make a very slight breathy noise that sounds kind of like a muffled "ha." In which case, why aren't you typing "ha"?

I don't get it. I have never in my life seen someone roll on the floor laughing. No, that's not true. Once, when my cousin was five or six, he rolled on the floor laughing. He was in stitches. But that's it, just the one time. Yet I've seen "rotfl" on computer screens hundreds of times. No one rolls on the floor laughing in public. Are people secretly saving all of their most impassioned laughs for when they're sitting at their computers? Or for when they're getting text messages while at home alone? If they are, did they type "rotfl" while rolling on the floor laughing? Did they type it first and then roll? Or did they roll, laugh, then type? In which case, shouldn't it be "rolled on the floor laughing"? I have visions now of my now adult cousin laughing hysterically on the floor while reaching up over a desk with one arm to type "R-O-T-F-L" while it's happening. And all because of something on cracked.com. That must have been some list of 10 things.

Look, I don't think people are terrible for typing these things. I just don't get it. But people who say them? Oh fuck you. Oh, big big fuck you. I heard some girl on her cell phone on the red line talking a mile a minute the other day. Which is annoying, because no one wants to hear your conversation. But then I hear her say, "L-O-L. That is too funny." And she said it in that shitty tone. You know the tone I'm talking about. Call it "valley girl," call it "ditz," I call it "bane of my existence." It's the tone of a human caricature. A walking talking parody of a person without a soul. 

"L-O-L" she says.

"Laughing out loud!" But there's a disdainful look on her face and no laughter comes from her mouth. Just three stupid letters that mean nothing. 

When I was in Catholic school (K-8), I was terrified of Hell. At the time, I thought of Hell as your garden variety Hell. Fire. Demons. Torture. Oh my. I'm not terribly concerned with Hell anymore. But I admit my concept of it has changed. Now Hell is a world where nobody laughs. Whenever you tell a joke or something funny happens, everybody just says, "L-O-L." Repeatedly. And every night I have to perform stand-up comic to an auditorium full of people. And at each punch line, 2,000 mindless, thoughtless people drone on, "L-O-L. L-O-L. L-O-L. L-O-L. L-O-L." In that horrible voice.

On the other hand, maybe her idea of Hell is listening to me. Or reading this. But I can be avoided. No one has to read this. In fact, no one does read this. Her on the other hand? She's everywhere I go. People saying "L-O-L" out loud, unironically, spreading like a plague. And what can I do about it? Nothing.

MTTY [Moving to the Yukon]