My wife and I didn't live together before we got married. As we got closer to being married, several of our friends had questions. Usually, their question was something like, "Is it some kind of religious thing?" It wasn't. Since those questions first came up, whenever I mention to someone that we didn't live together before marriage, I feel the need to qualify upfront that, "It wasn't some kind of religious thing." I don't know why I feel the need to qualify that. I don't think it's bad if people don't live together before marriage because of some kind of religious thing. I don't think it's bad if people do live together before marriage because of, or in spite of, some kind of religious thing. In fact, there are very few things that I think are inherently good or bad that people do in their relationships. Abuse is bad. I'm very firm on that. I am anti-hitting. Or even emotional abuse. Not cool. But I don't think calling someone an "asshole" qualifies as emotional abuse. Other than that though, if the two people involved in the relationship/marriage/whatever are both genuinely good with it, then go for it. Bondage? If it's good for the goose. Not spending every night together? If it makes you both happy. Not ever being apart? Little creepy, but hey, if it works. But in my experience, my responses to friends' questions of "Is it some kind of religious thing?" have really led me to the conclusion that I am very much alone in my views on marriage and relationships.
I can think of, for instance, one set of friends who are married who asked this question of me. I gave them a tongue-in-cheek answer that no it was not a religious thing. It's more just that I am going to live with this woman for the rest of my life. So what's the rush? I enjoy not living with her right now. I'm going to continue not living with her until I can't not live with her anymore, i.e., we get married. This did not please my young couple friends. "Why are you getting married if you don't want to live with her?" they asked disapprovingly.
It's not so complicated, really. I do want to get married. I do want to live with her. I just don't want to live with her now. Not until I get married. This was okay with them. (Side note: They had been married for about one year, so they were experts.) Then I begin digging a deeper hole.
I explain that I'm an insomniac and I hate sharing a bed with another person. In fact, whenever Ellen stays the night, she falls asleep instantly and it drives me crazy because I become more frustrated and lie there awake. I hate sleeping in the same bed as another person. This drew no audible response from them, but the looks on their faces screamed, "You should NOT be getting married." Because they knew.
Another set of friends who were in a relationship asked, "Why aren't you living together?" Again, what's the rush? "Well, what if you don't like living together but you're already married?" That's kind of the point, I told them. Statistically, more people who live together before marriage end up getting divorced than people who don't. I'm not saying it's a causal relationship. But there's a correlation there. And besides that, I know I'm not going to like living with her. She's a slob. I've never had a roommate that I didn't eventually hate. But when we're married, she'll be my slob. And hate won't be an option.
And again with the judgement. I shouldn't say those things about her. It's terrible. This couple was already living together, though not engaged. And they knew how we should have been living.
When I was doing stand-up comedy, I had a bit about my wife not having sex with me because she was sleeping. But I was not sleeping and I wanted to have sex, so I got into bed and started rubbing her back. (A pretty presumptuous and ridiculous move. Trying to seduce a sleeping woman. This was part of the joke.) And she finally tells me to just masturbate. "Just masturbate," she says while half asleep, "You can play with my boob." And then the routine turns into me comparing this suggestion to giving a starving child a piece of gum. Sure he's chewing, but he's still hungry.
I finish the routine. I walk off stage. A 20-year old girl who attends Columbia College (and who couldn't legally be in the bar), tells me, "You shouldn't make jokes about your marriage like that. I can't imagine marrying you." And I said, "Thanks for the advice 20-year old girl who's never been in a relationship longer than 6 months. I can't imagine marrying you either."
My point is only one person married me. And I married only one person. And we tell each other at least once a week after we make an innocuous complaint about the other, "Hey, you married me." And it's true! And we knew generally what we were doing! And we do and say all kinds of shit that my married friends wouldn't do or say. Which is why they didn't marry us. And they do and say all kinds of shit that we would never do or say. Which is why we didn't marry them. (Or at least I wouldn't do or say. I can't speak for the wife. Who am I kidding, yes I can. My wife would never say, "Don't you just love these potholders?" among other things.)
And they're fine. As far as I know anyway. Their marriages are great. They seem happy. They're definitely not abusive towards one another.
And we're fine. We are happy. Our marriage is amazing. And we're definitely not abusive towards each other. (Unless you count calling your wife an "asshole" on occasion as "abusive." As previously stated, I do not. Everybody's an asshole some of the time.) Granted we've only been married about 2.5 years. And we haven't had any real challenges. But I feel pretty good about where this whole thing is going. I still sleep on the couch a bit. I still tell jokes about personal things that happen and get said during marriage. And it still drives me crazy that at 9 PM, she's out like a light, and I'm tossing and turning for two to four hours in bed. I sit there some nights staring at her, cursing her ability to be asleep. "Oh you little sleeping asshole!"
And we still get unsolicited marriage advice from people of all walks. People who haven't been married. People who haven't been in a relationship. People who have been married for 5 years. People who've been married for 30 years. It strikes me as odd that so many people have an expectation that marriage is more or less the same for everyone. That it means the same thing, or should mean the same thing, to everyone. That there are and should be direct parallels between everyone's experience. That because you would never call your wife an "asshole" anyone who does is inherently bad. It's almost like everyone is trying to fulfill a role and carry out some predetermined prescription of the "good life."
And I wonder if that's why so many people get divorced. Especially today, when our culture seems hyper-individualistic... to a fault. Everybody is sooooo unique. We have blogs. And facebook. And twitter. Our thoughts and personalities are so important! But our marriages must all be the same? It sounds like a recipe for disaster.
No comments:
Post a Comment