My four month old son used to be a friendly, happy baby. In the past two weeks he has become a complete asshole. How? Why? What could have brought on this terrible transformation from Happy Angel to Spawn of Satan, you ask? He's teething. After four consecutive nights of three or less total hours of sleep, sleep that is further subdivided by bouts of wild infant screams, I have come to the conclusion that fuck teeth.
Fuck teeth.
That's right, teeth are bullshit. The kid has been totally fine without teeth for four months. His body weight has nearly doubled, so it's not like you need teeth to eat. The doctor keeps telling us he's healthy. She even discouraged us from starting him on solid food. So clearly, there's nothing super important about solid food. Nutrients? Comes in the milk.
"Everything he needs is right there in your breast milk," our doctor told my wife. Then why does he need teeth?! He doesn't. Teeth accomplish nothing.
"Lou, "you may say, "he can't just drink milk his whole life. Besides, if your wife didn't have teeth, the milk wouldn't have very many nutrients."
Bullshit. Adults don't need teeth either. What do spaghetti, peanut butter and jelly, scallops, and raspberries all have in common? You can gum the shit out of any of those foods!
You basically only need teeth for nuts, meat, and raw vegetables. What do nuts, meat, and raw vegetables all have in common? I would gladly not eat any of them ever again if I could get some goddamn sleep!
A couple hundred years ago everybody lost all their teeth anyway and they managed to stay alive long enough for me to know that George Washington had wooden implants. People lived without teeth just fine. And there were no blenders in pre-colonial times. Nowadays, imagine the possibilities. Who doesn't love a good smoothie?
Besides the fact that we as a species don't need teeth to survive, if we didn't have teeth, we wouldn't have to go to the dentist. I've given up on brushing completely in pursuit of this goal. When I lose all my teeth I will never again have to get a cavity drilled and filled.
Braces? Spare everyone the pubescent embarrassment. Just don't have teeth. No one will care if they're not lined up.
Teeth are just so much maintenance. Floss every day. Brush twice a day. Whiten to strengthen your image. You do these things every day for your teeth for 60, 70 years. What do they do for you? You can bite an apple. Whoopity-fucking-doo.
And guess what you have to do after you bite into that apple. Brush because apples have lots of sugar. Floss because the little piece of the apple's skin got caught between two of your teeth and you can't get it out. Mouthwash because there was a little bit of blood on the apple when you bit into it, and it turns out you've got gingivitis. We are slaves to our teeth.
And just when you think you've got it under control. Just when you've got your routine down. You've gotten the braces off. You've had several years of the perfect smile. Just at that moment, those dirty bastards decide to drop a few more on you way in the back. Only there's no more room at the inn. So now your "wisdom" teeth are driving into your molars, which are driving into your incisors, which are now a jangled mess of disaster, criss-crossing the front teeth you tried so hard to remove the gap between. And you drink coffee because your baby keeps waking up because his teeth are coming in, and you can't stay awake without pouring cup after cup of black coffee down your throat, and it stains your teeth, so now they're darker than they were, and you haven't slept for days, and it's all so you can eat a fucking apple and a handful of peanuts?
Fuck. Teeth.
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