I've come to the realization lately that I am a terrible person. I don't mean morally. Murder? Rape? Inflicting pain on other people? I'm against it. I'm against all of those things. Do no harm. I'm fine in that sense. I mean I'm a terrible person in that I'm terrible at living. I'm just bad at being alive. I'm a terrible human being. I could give you some examples.
I was shaving the other day and as I was soaping up, I got jealous of dogs. Dogs don't have to shave. It's stupid that I have to shave. Why can't we just shed our facial hair? We shed armpit hair. We shed pubic hair. But nooooooo. I need to shave. I was watching some nature show where they're talking about lions. Lions don't have to do shit. Lions hunt once in a while. The rest of the time, they just lie there. And people think they're awesome. They're lazier than me and they're kings! I've got to take the garbage out, do the dishes, brush my teeth, eat right, exercise, shave, laundry, prepare my own meals. 95% of my life is maintenance. Do you know there are people out there who are actually making their beds too? And flossing?! Do snakes have to do any of that? Nope. They just curl up and hang out. Why can't God have made our lives so low maintenance? I'm actually getting mad at God for the fact that I have to do things in order to be alive. I'm terrible.
The other day, I was playing video games and I had to take a shit. And I didn't want to. I could stop there. It's not every person who is so lazy that they find taking a shit to be a chore. But I do. And I had to take a shit, but I was playing a baseball game, and it was the 7th inning, and I wanted to finish. And I really didn't want to be bothered with wiping my ass. So I sit there on the couch for another 15 minutes, clenching my asshole, sweating profusely, stomach contracting because I don't want to poo. Then I've got to waddle down the hallway to the toilet with a sweaty asshole, and take deep breaths before dropping my pants because I'm an idiot. And now I need to shit so bad that I've got to line up my ass with the toilet because I think I'm going to shit on my way down. As soon as I begin to squat, it's going to fall out. I'm terrible. I'm a terrible, terrible human being.
But I'm not so terrible that I've ever said "tots." Can't do it. Will not do it. "Tots?" What is that? "Totally" is stupid enough, but now we're too lazy to say "ally," so we throw an "s" on the end and it's cute? Why must everything be cute? Enough with the cutesy nonsense.
"Tots m'goats." What the fuck is that? You're an adult. You're a Goddamn adult, and you're saying "m'goats?"
My friend Matt had a party this weekend. Ordinarily, I'm not a party guy. I'm a pretty antisocial person. I don't like talking to people I don't know. But at this party, I'm in an outgoing mood. I'm having a drink. I'm playing the part of "friendly guy." Some guy I don't know is standing by me and neither of us is talking to anyone. I strike up a conversation. Me. I do it. I start talking to this guy.
At some point, this exchange happens:
The Guy: Oh man, rough day at school today.
Me: Oh cool, you go to school? What are you studying?
The Guy: No, no. I teach.
Me: Where do you teach?
The Guy: DePaul. I teach philosophy at DePaul.
Me: Wow. That's pretty intense. You're a philosophy PhD, then? That's a lot of schooling.
The Fucking Guy: [nods his head and raises his eyebrows] Tots.
RAAAAAAGGGGGGGEEEE! What? Tots? Fucking tots? You? A PhD? A professor at a major university? Tots? Your job is to create knowledge. Your entire purpose in life is to sit in an ivory tower and think things that have not been thought, to study and consider life, to teach young minds to think critically, to better humanity, to work towards a better tomorrow. And you're telling me TOTS?!
Not only all of those things. But in order to be a PhD, you need to go to pre-school at three or four (I'd guess, let's say four to be generous). You go to pre-school at the age of four. Then Kindergarten through 8th grade. 10 years of school. Four years of high school. Four years of undergrad. 18 years of school. Then at the minimum 5 years of post-graduate work. 23 years of your life you are studying. 23 years of becoming smarter and more knowledgeable. This guy was in his late 20s. Let's say he was 29 years old. 23 of his 29 years of existence were spent studying? Tots. Tots they were.
I have a friend at work who I started talking to about six months ago. We go out to lunch once or twice a week. Since we started going out to lunch, one of my coworkers can't stop telling us she sees a budding "bromance" going on. Yeah, that's it. It's a bromance. Whatever the fuck that means. "You guys are in a serious bromance." "They're going out to lunch again, I guess Lou's got a real mancrush on Joe." Or we're friends. Remember that perfectly descriptive word that wasn't a Frankenstein of two other words that don't really actually describe anything? F-R-I-E-N-D. Tots, I remember that word.
And that's my redemption. I am a terrible person. I've had to take a shit the entire time I've been writing, but I haven't because I'm lazy. It's terrible. Frankly, it's disgusting. But I have not, I cannot, and I will never ever say "tots." And that has made all the difference.
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