What's Your Favorite Thing About Being Married?

As I said before, marriage has been on my mind a lot lately. Lots of people getting married, etc. So aside from how stupid it is that people don't say "Happy Anniversary," what else have I been thinking? I've been thinking about my favorite thing about being married. But in a totally snarky and hateful way. I'll explain.

My wife and I got married in May 2010. The day after our wedding, we were on an airplane for a two week honeymoon in Italy. Pretty fantastic. And in hindsight, super fortunate. I fully understand and appreciate that not everyone can do that. And it was great. We spent five days in Rome going to museums and churches (my idea) and eating and drinking and eating and drinking. Then five days hiking in Cinque Terra (Ellen's idea) and eating and drinking and eating and drinking. And we topped it off with four days in Florence with a stop in Pisa along the way. We won't discuss Florence because I got sick and a bird shit on me. On the other hand, Ellen saw Michaelangelo's David and was impressed. With art. Ten days after she fell asleep in the Sistine Chapel on a guided tour, she was impressed with art. That was pretty neat. And then we came home.

We flew back across the Atlantic, leaving the land of nonstop pizza, pasta, and wine, and we set our course for reality. But we didn't really return to reality. We went back to work, yes. But everyone said things like, "How was your honeymoon?" "Congratulations!" "Tell us all about the wedding!" There's a good week or two of that. Everyone is stoked for us. We're individually and collectively the center of attention. We're the stars. And not just at work. Our friends. Our family. No one else did shit in May compared to us. We got fucking married. Bad. Ass. And somewhere in there, we even found time to go see the Black Swan. To recap: Post-wedding marriage was Italy, eating awesome food with a frequency we can't afford, drinking way more wine than is reasonable, being the center of attention everywhere, watching movies, and generally being totally sweet.

Then we saw my wife's aunt a week after returning from our honeymoon and her very first question is, "So what's your favorite thing about being married?"

"Italy. Italy is my favorite part of being married. We split a bottle of wine at noon over lunch sitting 500 feet from the Trevi Fountain. Then walked down Campo dei Fiori to the Colloseum, stopping along the way for gelato. And then we finished with a $150 dinner that included another bottle of wine and then some. That's my favorite part of being married. That part of being married kicks ass." I toned it down a bit, but a polite version of that was my response.

It's like if her aunt went to see the Black Swan with us, and just as the credits start, she leans over and says, "What's your favorite part of this movie?"

"I don't know. The credits? So far the credits are fucking awesome. Just look at those fonts! And the soundtrack. Sweet. Can I watch the movie? Can I be married? Jesus Christ."

I don't mean to pick on her aunt. Other people asked the same stupid question. And I really don't understand it. They were all people who I have nothing in common with. People with whom I don't have conversations. People who generally seem disinterested in talking to me. The small talkers. And it is a bullshit question. For one, how about, "How was your honeymoon?" I think that's a much more honest question. It shows a genuine open-ended interest in a thing you knew we did. But "what is your favorite thing about being married?" That's not an honest question. You know what answer you're looking for.

"What is your favorite thing about being married?" No matter what answer I give, it is going to be bullshit. Because I'm either going to cave and give you your cheese ball response, "Oh, just being with Ellen all the time. Butterflies and blooming flowers. The stars shine brighter! So wonderful!" In other words: bullshit.

Or I'm going to be fully honest, and give you a response you're not going to like, because it's not going to fit the profile of what you expect me to say. 

At the time, the best thing about being married was going on a honeymoon. Spending exorbitant amounts of money on ourselves in a wholly selfish manner. A few weeks later, the best thing about being married was not having a "fiancee." Oh man. I hated having a fiancee. What a shitty stupid word.  I loved having a girlfriend. "This is my girlfriend." Then we got engaged and I had to say, "This is my fiancee." I hate it! What a pretentious word. I would try and dodge it as much as I could. 

"This is Ellen, we're getting married next May."

"Oh, she's your fiancee?"

"If you insist."

And then you get married, and no more fiancee. And instead you get a "wife." That kicks ass. Not only do I have a "wife," but I also get to blame shit on her.

Some friend would say, "Hey, I'm having some people over to watch a Perfect Strangers marathon. Want to come?"

"Oh man, I'd love to. But I can't... the wife." That's pretty sweet. I loved that about being married. I still do. Hated the fiancee. Love the wife. Best thing about being married, you could say.

After one year of marriage, I was thinking about the stupid question again as I was writing a stand-up routine. The 100% honest answer I could come up with was, "Proximity." It was true. After one year of marriage, my favorite thing about being married was proximity! Because we didn't live together before we got married. Not for religious reasons or anything. We just didn't want to live together. ("Why didn't you live together?" People would ask. "Because I'm going to live with her forever. I want to not live with her for as long as possible." Then people would say, "That's terrible." Or "You shouldn't say that." Or they'd make a face as though to say, "I would never marry you." To which I would say in my head, "I hate you." I digress.) We didn't live together. And my wife didn't own a car. She had this grand idea that she was going to be really green. She wouldn't own a car. She would walk or bike everywhere! Really good goal, right?

But in reality she didn't own a car, but she wouldn't walk or bike ANYWHERE. Instead, she would call Lou.

"Hey Lou, what are you up to?" Saturday afternoon.

"Nothing. I'm just sitting around watching TV with my roommates. Why what are you up to?"
 

"Nothing. Want to do nothing together?"

"Sure, yeah. Do you want to come over here?"

"Sounds good."

"All right. Can't wait."

"Awesome. Oh, and by the way, can you come pick me up? I should mention that you live in Logan Square, a totally residential neighborhood that isn't a pain in the ass to drive around, but I live in Lakeview and it's a Saturday and the Cubs are going to play in a half hour. So you coming to pick me up is going to require you drive through the Hellishness of Cubs traffic and it'll take you an hour to get three miles to where I live and then another hour to get back to your house. And yes I own a bike, or could take two buses and be there in 30 minutes, but I love you..." What the fuck! There I was doing nothing, no chores no anything to do. Just relaxing. And now my nothing is something.

Or she'd be over at my house, and I'd say, "I have to go meet a friend for dinner at 5 PM tonight." 

And she'd say, "Okay, cool. I have to be home at 4:30 anyway, so it works out perfectly." 

Then at 4:15, she'd say, "Can you drive me home?" 

And I'd say, "Sure, but we have to go immediately, because I'm meeting my friend on the other side of the city and it's going to take a half hour to get there." 

And she'd say, "No problem." And then we'd get in the car and I'd begin driving her home. And then a mile from her apartment she'd say...

"Oh, can we just make a quick stop at the grocery store? I just need to pick up a couple things."

And I'd say, "I don't have time. I told you I have to be on the other side of the city in 30 minutes. I'm already going to be late."

And she'd say, "But it'll just take a minute."

And I'd say, "I can drop you off here and you can walk the rest of the way home."

And she'd say, "But I need to get too many things, I won't be able to carry it all."

And I'd say, "What the fuck! Holy shit! You just said a 'couple things.' Now it's so much you can't carry it? I would have taken you to the grocery store an hour ago! Why would you wait until now to tell me this shit! What the fuck! RAAAAGGGGGEEEEEE!!!" And I'd take her to the grocery store and be an hour late in meeting my friend. And he'd give me a hard time. And I'd tell him, "I would have been here sooner, except for the fiancee." And it would have been salt on an open wound because I hate having a fiancee.

So yes. Proximity. Now, if she needs to go to the grocery store, I say, "Here's the keys." She gets where she needs to go, and I don't have to not do nothing. Oh man, it's awesome. I'd go so far as to say it's my favorite thing about being married. And if she's late coming back from the store, and I can't get to where I need to go? I can blame it on the wife. Double whammy awesome sauce.