Saturday, March 16, 2013
Monday, March 4, 2013
"We" Are NOT Pregnant...But My Wife Is
I really hate it when people use the phrase "We're pregnant." Because no we are not. We do not have a vagina. One of us does. She is pregant. I, on the other hand, not so much. It's not even a possibility really.
We did not stop getting our period. Our boobs have not gotten bigger. Well, they might have. I did eat entirely too much last night. I feel a little more saggy today. But it's a totally different animal. We have not been nauseous. Ellen has been. I've been pretty good. I did have to take some Tums a few weeks back... not pleasant. But we have not been vomiting. We have both had a lack of energy, but for very different reasons. She's pregnant. I'm lazy.
In addition to our not being pregnant, we haven't been "trying." Really for most of our relationship we've been trying NOT to get pregant. But we didn't suddenly put in some extra effort and now she's pregnant. We didn't reach down deep for that last bit of energy. We did not dial it up a notch in the bedroom. That shit was already dialed. Hello! That's ridiculous. Sorry.
But what is this "trying"? And why do people tell other people that they are trying? I do not understand this behavior. Do you think people care that you're using sex for its biological purpose? They don't. It's odd to me that people get pregnant and then don't tell people they're pregnant because of the possibility of miscarriage. But people do let everyone know they're "trying" to get pregnant. I don't need the image of you lighting candles and planning a romantic night of wishful pregnancy sex. It's gross to me. Please don't tell me you're trying.
Also, don't tell me you're trying because it's just wrong. Let's go to thought exercise land. Say you were shooting baskets in your alley, but you never scored. And the reason you never scored wasn't because you were a bad shooter. Rather, it was because you put a piece of wood over the basket. You did this because you knew that if you actually scored, the ball going through your hoop was going to set off some weird David Lynch movie twist where your life was going to get flipped on its head. You don't really know what's going to change if you score. But you know it's going to really be a big change.
Your shooting was fine. And you wanted to get better at shooting. You just didn't want to score. Then one day, you remove the piece of wood. "Fuck it," you tell yourself. "I'm bored with life. Maybe I should totally change my life with no real idea of how it's going to change."
You remove the piece of wood and you score, setting off insane life changes that you are in no way prepared for. You shit your pants man. You are fat and lazy. You're posting metaphors on the internet where your baby is a David Lynch movie twist and your motivation was boredom. What the fuck are you doing? You idiot. Life is so easy right now you dumb son of a bitch.
All of that aside, when you removed the wood did you suddenly start trying? No! You were just trying not to before.
Anyway, we are not pregnant. Nor were we trying. But Ellen is pregnant. We weren't "trying." We just stopped trying not to. Also, it turns out I have a really hard time spelling "pregnant." I left the first "n" off each time I typed it.
So there will probably be more baby stuff on here. And I'm actually totally stoked. I just think this shit is funny.
We did not stop getting our period. Our boobs have not gotten bigger. Well, they might have. I did eat entirely too much last night. I feel a little more saggy today. But it's a totally different animal. We have not been nauseous. Ellen has been. I've been pretty good. I did have to take some Tums a few weeks back... not pleasant. But we have not been vomiting. We have both had a lack of energy, but for very different reasons. She's pregnant. I'm lazy.
In addition to our not being pregnant, we haven't been "trying." Really for most of our relationship we've been trying NOT to get pregant. But we didn't suddenly put in some extra effort and now she's pregnant. We didn't reach down deep for that last bit of energy. We did not dial it up a notch in the bedroom. That shit was already dialed. Hello! That's ridiculous. Sorry.
But what is this "trying"? And why do people tell other people that they are trying? I do not understand this behavior. Do you think people care that you're using sex for its biological purpose? They don't. It's odd to me that people get pregnant and then don't tell people they're pregnant because of the possibility of miscarriage. But people do let everyone know they're "trying" to get pregnant. I don't need the image of you lighting candles and planning a romantic night of wishful pregnancy sex. It's gross to me. Please don't tell me you're trying.
Also, don't tell me you're trying because it's just wrong. Let's go to thought exercise land. Say you were shooting baskets in your alley, but you never scored. And the reason you never scored wasn't because you were a bad shooter. Rather, it was because you put a piece of wood over the basket. You did this because you knew that if you actually scored, the ball going through your hoop was going to set off some weird David Lynch movie twist where your life was going to get flipped on its head. You don't really know what's going to change if you score. But you know it's going to really be a big change.
Your shooting was fine. And you wanted to get better at shooting. You just didn't want to score. Then one day, you remove the piece of wood. "Fuck it," you tell yourself. "I'm bored with life. Maybe I should totally change my life with no real idea of how it's going to change."
You remove the piece of wood and you score, setting off insane life changes that you are in no way prepared for. You shit your pants man. You are fat and lazy. You're posting metaphors on the internet where your baby is a David Lynch movie twist and your motivation was boredom. What the fuck are you doing? You idiot. Life is so easy right now you dumb son of a bitch.
All of that aside, when you removed the wood did you suddenly start trying? No! You were just trying not to before.
Anyway, we are not pregnant. Nor were we trying. But Ellen is pregnant. We weren't "trying." We just stopped trying not to. Also, it turns out I have a really hard time spelling "pregnant." I left the first "n" off each time I typed it.
So there will probably be more baby stuff on here. And I'm actually totally stoked. I just think this shit is funny.
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