When I was in high school a group of people I was trying to be friends with were talking after lunch and "sharts" came up. For those of you who don't know, a "shart" is when you think it's a fart, but it's not a fart. It's a shitty fart, or "shart." (To those of you who read this, "shart" is not the same thing as "bromance," because "shart" is the perfect word for this situation, while "friend" is the perfect word for what people are describing when they say "bromance." "Shart" is not cute. It's a shitty fart.) So sharting comes up and everyone says, "Ewww... that's gross." Or something along those lines. I had just sharted a few days earlier, and I wanted to be the brave soul who said, "Hey, it happens." But I wasn't. My friend Tom was.
It was a while ago, but if I remember correctly the exchange went something like this:
ME: Sharting? Yeah, that's the worst when that happens!
JACK: Are you saying you shit yourself?
TOM: I have. Just this Summer. I thought it was a fart. It wasn't! That shit happens to everyone!
ME: I mean, it's never actually happened to me. I just think it would be the worst. (laughter at Tom's expense by the entire group.)
JACK, AARON, ZACK: Gross Tom! What the fuck! Oh man.
Hung. Out. To. Dry.
So I come to you today to atone for my sins. I firmly believe that EVERYONE has shit themselves as an adult. And it's okay. So as an apology to Tom, here is the story of the last time I shit myself.
August 29, 2009
I had been living with my two roommates for three years and it was all coming to an end. August 31 would be the last day of our lease at Altgeld House. The three of us had been in a band together called Altgeld Forgotten, and we lived in a coach house that shared a yard with our landlord. The landlord was the oldest son of a widow. They lived in the main house with one of the landlord's sisters and two enormous and not at all shy dogs.It was a really good system we had set up. We paid the bills on time and didn't cause any trouble. In exchange they didn't care that we played really loud music in the laundry room. But it was coming to an end. One of my roommates was moving in with his girlfriend, and the band was no more.
On Saturday, most of my stuff was moved out. But I needed to shampoo the carpet in my room. In order to do that, we needed to rent a carpet shampooer from Home Depot. I also need to return two movies to Blockbuster. (Remember Blockbuster?) Before I do that though, I go out to lunch at Lou Malnati's with my future wife ("Fiancee'" if you insist) and two friends. We get the butter crust. I never got the butter crust, and I was feeling like an end of an era deserved a little extra butter action. We eat. Everything's good.
I have to drop off my future wife at her apartment, and I do. But on my way there, I notice my stomach is starting to rumble a bit. "Nevermind," I think. "It's fine. I'm just going to have to take a shit when I get home."
I drive back across town to the one Home Depot that I know exists. On North Avenue over by the expressway. In hindsight there are way more convenient Home Depots, but I never went to Home Depot, and that's the only one I could think of.
On my way over there, my stomach gets worse. It's getting really tight. "Wheeeeeze GA-LUMP" it's saying. High pitched whining sound followed by a loud dropping. Things are not good. I notice that my asshole is starting to sweat. I'm sweating. I'm very uncomfortable. And I'm thinking I should just go home. But I clench, grin, and bare it. I've come this far.
I make it to the Home Depot parking lot, park the car, and sit there for a while. For a more vivid description of what I'm going through, see "I Wanna Be a Bear." I pull myself together, take a deep breath, and step out of my car into the late August heat and humidity. As I enter the Home Depot, my stomach settles down. It all goes away. Everything is promising.
There's a sign for tool rentals, and I head in that direction. There are a couple people in front of me, so I walk around looking at the equipment for rent: power tools, lawn mowers, vaccum cleaners, etc. About 15 minutes go by and it's finally my turn. I tell the guy I need a carpet shampooer. He brings me over to them. He shows me how to use it, shows me the soap I need to buy to use it, and he tests it out. Simple enough.
I get the thing rolling out to the parking lot, and then I need to carry it, because it won't roll on the asphalt. This thing is heavy. Super heavy. Super awkward. There's no good way to hold it. And wouldn't you know, just as I pick it up, my stomach says, "GA-LUMP!" So now my asshole goes into full clenching mode. I'm tempted to ditch the thing and make a beeline for the Home Depot bathroom. But there's no way that's a hygenic place, so I'm seeing this through. I'm going home. I clench my ass as tight as I can, and I begin quickly shuffling across the parking lot.
I get to my car, open the trunk, and try to just jam this thing in there. I'm going too fast though, and it won't fit. The sonofabitch won't fit in my trunk. I'm sweating profusely. It's hot out. My stomach is twisting and flopping. I'm afraid the back of my pants has got sweat stains showing through because there's just a puddle back there. And now I've got to figure out how to get this thing to fit into the trunk.
I try putting the handle end in first and then rotating it in. That doesn't work.
I try standing it up to get the bottom of it in and then rotating it forward. That doesn't work.
Finally, I get the bottom in sideways, and I'm able to move the bottom end deep enough into the trunk that I can rotate the handle in and lie it down on its side. Relief. I get it in.
I get in my car. I've never ever ever had to shit so bad. I honestly feel like I'm going to burst. It hurts. It physically hurts. It's like I'm having cramps. Or contractions! There's something in me. It's alive. And it wants out. I get on the expressway.
My pizza lovechild settles down. She stops kicking. Now my shit is a female. It's true. Only a woman could be this much of a bitch. (I'm kidding. That's a terrible joke. I apologize. But I DO NOT delete! NEVER GO BACK!) It settles down, and I see the two movies I need to return tantalizing me on the shotgun seat.
"Return us..."
"Take us back to Blockbuster..."
"It's settled down. You can make it. You don't want to have to make another trip later, do you?"
"Do you?"
Fuck it. I'm returning the movies. The nerve of me. What a dickhead move. But that's the terrible decision I make.
I get off the highway. I get into the Blockbuster parking lot. I leave the car running. Ass clenched, I waddle to the return box and drop off the movies. Then I waddle back to the car.
"GA-LUMP. Psssssssssssss. Wheeze. GA-LUMP. GA-LUMP." Oh God. If I had never ever ever had to shit so bad before I was telling the truth. But it's also true that five minutes after that sensation, I once again reached a point where I never ever ever had to shit so bad before. It's worse is what I'm saying here.
I start praying. Please God, don't let me shit my pants. Not in my car. Not like this. Not after all I've gone through. Not four blocks from my house.
I drive recklessly to get home. And I pull into our driveway. I immediately notice that the landlord is in the yard with his two overly friendly dogs. And it occurs to me that he's going to want to talk, since we're almost leaving after a three year relationship. I sit there doing pregnancy breathing exercises (at least what I think those are from movies and TV), waiting for him to go away from the gate.
When he does, I open the door and run for the gate. I open it. I walk as quickly as possible to our front door. But the dogs come running. As I get my key in the door, one of the dogs is jumping on me and the other is burying its nose in my ass.
"Bluto! Goofy! Get over here," the landlord says. (Those weren't their names, but I can't remember their names, so whatever. They're huge though.) I get my key in the door and start to turn. "Hey Lou, how's it going in there?"
"Can't talk! More later!" I shout back. I turn the doorknob.
I'm in. I sprint for the bathroom in the laundry room. No toilet paper. Fuck.
I spring up the stairs. Stopping for cramps every fifth step. I go to the main bathroom. No toilet paper. My roommate Steve is home.
"Did you get the carpet cleaner?"
"Can't talk!" I run to my other roommate's room, because he has a bathroom in there too. Yes, three bathrooms. $1400/month. Three bedrooms. Kitchen. Living room. Laundry room. Garage. I love Logan Square.
No toilet paper in his bathroom. Fuck it. I go in there. I take three deep breathes as I undo my pants. I stand in front of the toilet clenching. I drop my pants, but I'm clenching so hard, my underwear are stuck between my cheeks. I manage to pick them out and drop them too. I line myself up. I know I'm going to give birth on the way down.
"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." I scream as I sit. Everything falls out. "Oh my God. Yes. Thank you Jesus." I'm saying this all out loud.
"What the fuck are you doing?" I hear Steve calling from the other room.
"I made it Steve! I made it!"
"Whatever."
Still, there's no toilet paper. I call Steve. He comes to the door. I ask him if there's any toilet paper. He says he packed it, but he can get some. He calls me names, throws in a couple "Goddamnits." I don't care. I made. I accomplished all I set out to do. I ate lunch. I got the carpet cleaner. I returned the movies. Despite the shit I had to take. And I didn't shit my pants. Amazing stuff.
Steve returns and does the blind arm through the door toilet paper throw to me. I wipe up. I go back out to the car, I struggle to get the carpet cleaner out, but I do. I shampoo my carpet. I pack the last of my things. I give the carpet cleaner to Steve. We say our goodbyes. And I get in the car to drive to my brother's: where I'll be living until the wedding.
On my way to my brother's, I notice that I'm low on gas. So I stop at the Speedway at North and Kimball (I think Kimball, maybe Pulaski). I start the pump, and I go inside to get a bottle of water.
I chug the water while I'm walking back to the car. I'm super dehydrated from all the sweating and shitting. I throw out the water bottle and I go to put the pump back. As I'm standing there in front of the gas pump, I've got to fart. I can't possibly have anything left in me. I think it's a fart.
Only it's not a fart. And after all of that. After everything. I shit my pants.
And in fairness to Tom, that's not really even the last time I shit my pants. Sadly, it's happened at least once since then. But fuck you. You've done it too. If you've got the balls, let's all come clean. When was the last time you shit your pants?
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