The Snake!

So I'm 30-years old and I'm still on Facebook. I don't really use it. It's mostly a marketing tool because I'm in a couple hobby rock bands. Props to Andrew for coming up with "hobby rock." If the Remarkables or the Counterfeit Money Machine play a show, there's enough people on Facebook still that we can create an event and get the word out easily. This seems to be what everyone does on there these days. Whenever I see someone post a genuine, trying to make a connection status, like, "Went to the grocery store...all out of strawberries...boooo!" I kind of smile and think, "People are still doing this?"

It's almost all events and people sharing internet memes. And me telling people to read my blog. Generally, it's all white noise for me. The only events I care about are the ones I'm promoting. I get invited to 10 things a day, and they all just get deleted. But today, one of them caught my eye.

"You're invited to Jake the Snake's 30th birthday party!"

I am? Awesome. Jake the Snake was a guy I went to grade school with who I haven't talked to in probably 10 years. And that was probably a drunken grunt at a bar.

"Hey, aven't seen you ins like, hit's been uh-while, huh?"

"S'what're y'up to 'ese days?"

Brilliant conversation. Before that it had to have been another six years since we graduated from Catholic school together. But somewhere along the line, we became "friends" on Facebook. Probably because one of us wanted to see how fat each other had gotten. I assume I was invited simply because whoever was throwing the party had invited everyone in his "friends" group. Jake and I had never really been friends, we'd been more of rivals. But all the same, I think we had a pretty healthy childhood rivalry. We were both kind of competing alpha males of sorts, I guess. All in all, I wish him well and harbor no ill will towards him at all.

Having said that... what caught my eye about this particular Facebook event invite, what made me stop and do a double take and notice this particular party out of the many comedy show invites and bad improv invites was this simple fact:

Jake the Snake can't have a 30th birthday party. Jake can turn 30. But Jake the Snake cannot turn 30.

If you're 30 years old and you're still Jake the Snake, you better be in a coma. And everybody better be calling you "the Snake" to cheer themselves up.

"Remember when the Snake split the defenders in the 5th grade championship game and drove to the hole for the winning layup?"

"Yeah, that was great."

"You're gonna pull through buddy, you're Jake the Snake! The Snake always pulls it out in the end!"

If you're 30, can hold a job, but you're not a porn star, a wrestler, or an NFL quarterback, you are not Jake the Snake. You're just Jake now. And, in point of fact, you're probably not even Jake. You're probably John.

It's kind of a loaded name to give a child. Jake. Because all Jake's are the Snake. When parents decide to name their kid Jake, they wink at each other knowingly, "Not just 'Jake'," their eyes say. "'Jake the Snake.'" Then they nod their heads and furrow their brows as they give each other mental high fives. Real original guys.

As my wife and I are considering baby names, I can tell you this much, Jake will not be an option. And not because of my childhood rival. But just because of the implied "Snake" moniker. Maybe if we could subvert it somehow. We name our son Jake, and when he starts playing basketball and people start calling him, "The Snake," we interrupt them.

"--whoa, whoa, whoa. He's not the Snake. He's Cornflake Jake. Have you ever seen this kid eat corn flakes?"

Jake the Quake. We train him to just be really fat.

Piece of Cake Jake. Everything's really easy for him.

Jake the Mistake. Oopsy-daisy. We weren't trying not to hard enough.

Anything but the Snake. In all probability though, there will be no Jake. Now I just hope that Jake doesn't see this on Facebook and think I'm obsessed with him. But let's be honest, no one uses Facebook any more except for spamming people with events.