What's In a Name?

It occurs to me that giving my unborn baby a name is probably the most power I will ever yield in my life. "What's in a name?" says Shakespeare's Juliet. "A rose by any other name would still smell as sweet." (I'm paraphrasing, but it's something along those lines. Piss off.) True. but riddle me this, Shakespeare. How many Adolf's have been born since the 40s? No, there's a lot in a name.

Unlike the President, I will never make a decision which directly impacts the lives of millions (billions?) of people. Unlike a CEO, I will never send hundreds of jobs overseas. As much as my 20-year old self would hate to hear this (or even my 25-year old self), I will affect very little change in this world. My dream has never been to wield power, but oh have I dreamed of subverting it. Alas, I do not have the energy for activism. BUT! At least one human being will spend his/her entire lifetime being called a collection of syllables that my wife and I have strung together.

It's a lot of responsibility. I wonder if when Mrs. Hitler assigned baby Hitler the name Adolf, she had any sense of the fact that she would be responsible for the death of the name Adolf. Probably not. Interestingly, fate has been much kinder to Mrs. Stalin (I'd be interested to hear if Asian people are still named Pol). But she did. If names don't matter, Adolf would be around a lot more. Think about it unemotionally, it's a pretty strong name. Addy for short. Yet there are no Adolfs.

Similarly, there are no Jesuses. It's far too much pressure to put on a child. You might as well name him/her Captain Perfect. It's too bad that Hitler's mom didn't name him Jesus. At least that way, there would have been a lot of confusion in the world.

"Oh Jesus! I stubbed my toe!"

"You called? Is it time for the blitzkreig?!"

"Not you Hitler! Jesus Christ!"

"Scheisse."

Some fundamentalist Christian, "The Jews killed Jesus!"

A confused passerby, "No man, Jesus killed the Jews. It's called the Holocaust, moron."

On a related note, I have to give it up to Hispanic people. No other ethnic or racial group can (or tries to) pull off an Adolf or a Jesus. But Hispanic people seem to be impervious to these restrictions. I have never met an Adolf, but I have met at least two Adolfos and a handful of Jesuses (Heyzeuses).

Another pivotal moment in the history of names: Enola Gay. I've never understood why you would name a flying genocide machine after your mother.

"Happy mother's day mom! 70,000 Japanese civilians were killed in your name!" What? Why would you do that?

But I digress. It's a lot of responsibility. My wife and I have already gone through thousands of names. It's hard to believe, but it's true. And more or less all of the Italian names are out. We can't really get behind naming our child Vinny Dagostino. Not that Vinny is a bad name. But again, I think a name carries with it a stereotype. Dagostino is ethnic enough. (And easy enough to make fun of. How many people got punched in the face for calling 8-year old me "Fagostino" or "Dogostino"? A lot.) I don't need my son or daughter to get pigeon-holed because of a name. 

It's not just that. Ethnic names make me laugh, because I am childish and immature. If my son's name was Lorenzo Dagostino, I would make fun of him.

"Ay, I'ma Lorenzo. I like a spicy meat-a-ball!"

Sidenote again... I realized about a month ago that all my child will be more Irish than anything else. Oh man, am I going to hate my children.

 Aside from ethnic names, we've also eliminated the names of countless people we don't like. Surprisingly, my wife's hate count is much higher than mine. And she's such a sweet woman. You'd never guess by her disposition, but she really doesn't like a lot of people. Oh man, she's not going to like that I just said that. Mostly because it's not true. (Or is it...?) But anyway...

We've never considered going the route of just making up a name. Mostly because whenever white people make up names, they are fucking ridiculous. There are the hippies who went with names like Happy or Sunshine. Then there are the celebrity child names. 

Kal-el? Really? You named your son after Superman? Go make a shitty movie.

Apple. Maddox. Moon Unit. Come on white people.

When black people make up a name, it kicks ass.

D'Brickashaw. Fuck yeah! There's rhythm there, and it isn't a fruit.

Latronius. Latin. African. Creative. Again with the rhythm. Again with the not a fruit.

Of course, if we went the creative African/Latin route, our child (being more Irish than anything else, and therefore having very little rhythm) would likely be mocked. So made up names are out. Plus Latronius Dagostino sounds like the name of a futuristic serial killer.

Please excuse me if that was racist. Wait, no. Fuck you. It's true. Black people made up names kick ass. White people made up names are ridiculous. I stand by it. No apologies.

So we're not making up names. But I do worry that we'll go too old school. I'm really into old names. And distinct names. Distinctiveness is a predecessor to character I think. Ellen and Lou are pretty distinctive. I've know as many Lous as I've known Adolfos (two). And while I really didn't like being Lou early on, I'm pretty stoked on it now. And there was a pretty natural progression to Lou.

When I was very young, I insisted on everyone calling me Louis. My aunts would call me Louie, and it drove me nuts. "My name is Louis!" I would tell them. Lou was never an option. And somehow it became Lou. And when it did, Louis was forgotten. I remember it occurring to a high school girlfriend that my name wasn't just Lou.

"Wait a second. What is Lou short for?"

"Louis."

"Louis?" And a round of hearty laughter.

I don't know if my wife has ever called me Louis. So maybe Shakespeare was right. What's in a name? Louis. Louie. Lou. Any way you slice it, I'm a rose. Am I right?

Who knows, maybe we'll go with Adolf.