Marriage--Just say "Happy Anniversary"

Next Saturday, I’m playing groomsman to my friend who’s getting married right here in Chicago. My wife’s cousin and her fiancée are staying at our house right now as they contemplate a move from Denver to Chicago next year, right around the time of their wedding. Another one of my friends has recently ended a six-year dating period with an engagement to be married in the next twelve calendar months. Throw in another cousin on my wife’s side and her brother, and I’m going to five weddings in the next year. More TBA? Not sure. But I can tell you this: The rush is on.
With all of this marriage in the air, I’m finding myself very reflective on my marriage, anniversaries, and wedding. And I’d like to share some thoughts on some of the things I’ve learned. And where better to start than the first anniversary?

Did you know that no one says, “Happy Anniversary” anymore? It’s true. I was really surprised to find that out. We had our first anniversary in May 2011. And nobody told me “Happy Anniversary.” Instead, they told me a bunch of other shit that doesn’t make any sense:

“Congratulations!” Congratulations? We didn’t win. We haven’t achieved a goal. I scored zero points. Ellen too. “Congratulations” is really for races and accomplishments. As in, “Congratulations on your promotion/1^st place finish/championship trophy!” Not for what ostensibly should be a romantic and very personal day.

Then there was a co-worker who came up with, “That is sooooooooo impressive!” I think this is pretty self-evidently a stupid thing to say. Because it’s not “soooooooo impressive.” It’s not even “so impressive.” If one year of marriage is impressive, I think we as a society are setting the bar a little low. Yes, 50% of marriages end in divorce. But I’d bet that 99% of those 50% also made it to one year. “Soooooooo impressive!” 10 years might be impressive. 15 years might be so impressive. And 25 years might be sooooooooooo impressive. 1 year should be taken for granted.

But my favorite piece of not saying “Happy Anniversary” was my boss. A great guy, like him a lot. And, I must add, I was really impressed that he remembered that it was my anniversary. I didn’t tell him. But the day of my first anniversary, I sat in my cube doing some piece of work, and he knocks on my cubicle wall behind me. I turn, and he’s got a smile on his face.

“Isn’t it your anniversary?”

“Yes it is.”

“That’s fantastic. You did it!”

Oh my thoughtful boss, my friendly, personable leader, it is fantastic. But we did not “do” it. The vow was “’til death do us part.” Not “’til a year or so.” If Ellen dies before me, and I’m standing beside her coffin, then by all means tell me “You did it!” I’ll give you a big high five and shout in celebration, “Death did us part! We did it! We had a successful marriage!”

Death is really the only means of succeeding once you tie the knot. Not to be dark and disturbing or anything. But it’s true. It’s a vow not given lightly. To have and to hold. In sickness and health. Good times and bad. Til death do us part.

In year one, we encountered nothing. We had some bills. Gas, electric, rent. But we were both gainfully employed. We went on a two week honeymoon to Italy where we treated ourselves to much wine and food. We hung out a lot. We went on a couple vacations. I think I had a cold for a week in there somewhere. On the honeymoon actually. Which was a bummer, but really not such a bad time. And I think Ellen had some knee issues for a while there from running too much and not stretching. So to summarize, in year one, we had, we held, in health, no sickness encountered, through no bad times, just good times, and neither of us died. It was a start, but we did not “do it.”

Before we got married, people would say, “The first year’s the hardest.” But if that’s true, the rest of our marriage is going to be an increasingly Bacchanalian love fest. I’m not saying we’re going to start partaking in orgies. But it can’t really get easier.

Others have said, “After the first year it’s all downhill.” And really, I don’t understand the whole “uphill/downhill” comparison in terms of good and bad. If things are downhill from here, that sounds great. Downhill sounds like we should get a sled out and, “Wheeeeeeeeee!!!” Downhill is the fun part. Then people also say, “It’s all uphill from there!” As though it’s a good thing. Why is going uphill good? Uphill is hard work. It's easier on your knees, granted. But still, you get winded. And your quads get all sore. I don’t understand these phrases. I digress.

After year two and halfway into three, I can say it’s not been downhill. Or uphill. More or less fun. More or less hard. It’s just been good. But again, we haven’t faced anything. And death has not done us part. So I count my blessings. And I cringe when May rolls around, and people say anything other than “Happy Anniversary.” It’s really the perfect phrase for the occasion, almost as if it was created just for anniversaries.