When I was doing stand up, before I started doing bits about eating babies, people saying "lol," and what a terrible person I am, I was doing one-liners. I thought I'd give imitating Mitch Hedberg a shot. They weren't that good though. And on paper, I guess they end up being like "Deep Thoughts" by Jack Handey. But again, not that good. But instead of more self-embarrassment, I thought I might post a few of them. Just to lighten up a bit...
Would you rather be mauled by a bear or a lion? For me there's no question about it. It's the bear. I'm allergic to cats. The last thing I need while I'm being mauled to death is to be sneezing.
If you adopt a highway, and then you litter on it, is that child abuse?
Why do skinheads shave their heads? It's like, "Don't you know Hitler had a combover and a mustache?"
I'm really mad at Hitler because he ruined that mustache. You can't wear it anymore. Even Michael Jordan couldn't pull it off. People got mad. I think it's a pretty good mustache, aside from Hitler. Why couldn't he have had a soul patch instead? Ruin that. If Hitler had a soul patch and Stalin had a chinstrap beard, the world would be a better place.
I wonder if Hitler's mom knew, when she was giving birth to him that her son would forever ruin the name Adolf.
Enough Hitler...
I was at a wine tasting in June. The guy conducting the tasting kept telling me about the soil, or "terroir." "This grape comes from the mountains in northern Italy. The soil there is perfect for this variety of grape." It made me wonder if the soil outside of Dachau is perfect for anything. Maybe Dachau is perfect for Merlot.
(That really happened. I didn't think it or put it into writing to make light of the Holocaust or its victims. The thought just occurred to me that we'll never know, and I thought it was kind of funny. I do NOT support the Holocaust.)
Enough Holocaust...
Why do we call it a "foxhole"? If a fox digs itself a home in the ground, do we call it a "place to hide from bombs and shit?"
I don't know why people don't walk around in big plastic gerbil balls. Sure, it would be super hard to get around, and you'd bounce off things, and giants could pick you up and shake the ball and you'd get all dizzy and nauseous and piss yourself all the time. But hey, you're naked in public.
It's probably a bad idea to refer to smoking weed as "getting stoned" if you're in Iran. A friend asks, "How's your sister?" "I don't know. She's probably somewhere getting stoned again." Some passerby overhears this, "She was probably reading Salman Rushdie!"
Research shows that kids who watch violent movies act violently. It also shows that kids who watch Blues Clues until they're 12 act like sheltered little pussies.
The last time I bragged about being fat was when I was on a seesaw.
I love beer. But beer is an acquired taste. Which makes me respect the guy who invented it even more. He created beer, thought, "Well, this is terrible." But then made some more, just in case it grew on him.
I used to work at Best Buy in the media department. A woman asked me where she could find the new Beanie Mann album. I told her it's under the Ms, thinking that she had looked under B for Beanie. A few moments later she couldn't find it and she asked me again. So I walk her over to the Ms. I point at it, and say, "It's right there." There's a huge section of just that album right in front of her, and she says, "Which one?" It occurs to me then that she can't read. So I pick up the album and hand it to her. Ain't nothing funny about that.
There's one indisputable truth I've come to accept in life: You're never out of toilet paper. You're just in need of a shower.
More later.
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